Staying Safe on the streets of
Life -
PART 3 OF 4
Tactics of a predator
A list of tactics that a rapist might use to persuade a
potential victim to lower her boundaries so that she allows herself to get into
an unsafe situation with someone she does not know. We also explains how these
tactics might be used in other intrusive situations. Use of some of these
tactics does not automatically mean that someone is a bad person with bad
intentions. In fact, some of these tactics can be very helpful when people are
building a relationship. If we never lowered our boundaries with other people,
we would have a hard time making friends, doing business, or enjoying social
events. However, you can help yourself stay safe by noticing WHEN these tactics
are being used and not letting them stop you from making your own choices. Is
this person is trying to get you to do something that you also want? Or are you
are being persuaded to lower your boundaries in ways that might not be in your
best interests?
Forced teaming:
Sometimes someone will say and do things to make you
feel, "We're in the same boat," or, "We're on the same
team." The purpose is to establish rapport and to put you at ease. Team
spirit can be an excellent motivator. Sport teams, political parties, community
service organizations, and neighborhoods all work best when people feel a sense
of belonging with each other. However, notice when someone with whom you have
not chosen to be connected with talks as if you are together. Remember what
your relationship with this person truly is and is not.
Charm and niceness:
People sometimes project warmth, kindness, sympathy, and
humor as a way to get others to open up to them. People like this can very enjoyable,
but they also might be harmful. When someone is very funny, kind and sweet,
think to yourself, "This person is trying to charm me. Is being with this
person what I want? Am I being charmed into accepting things that are not okay
with me? Am I in a safe place if things go wrong?" Sadly, many women who
were attacked say afterwards, "But he was so nice to me at first!
Too many details:
When people want to persuade you, they sometimes give a
lot more information than necessary. This can be because they really care about
what they are saying, but it can also be because they are trying to distract
you or confuse you into believing their story. It can be hard for honest people
to remember that sometimes other people will make up convincing details to get
you to trust them instead being truthful. Instead of getting too involved in
what someone is saying, stay focused on your actual situation. Ask yourself
questions like, "How well do I know this person? Is this person's behavior
suddenly different in an uncomfortable way? Is he or she respecting my
wishes?"
Typecasting:
Understandably, most people don't like to be labeled as
being uncaring, unkind, thoughtless, paranoid, unfair, misusing their power, or
ignorant. Someone might deliberately use negative labels to get you to react in
the opposite direction. Watch out for comments like, "You don't care, do
you?" Or, "You aren't one of those girls who think all guys are bad,
are you?" Or, "You probably think you are too good for someone like
me, don't you?." Or, "Someone who comes from a family as well off as
yours could not possibly understand what it's like to be poor." Trying to
prove someone wrong by changing your behavior is another way of letting
someone's words have power over you. Instead, make a conscious choice about how
you are going to act depending on what the specific behavior being labeled is
and what is actually going on.
Loan sharking:
A loan shark lends one amount and then collects much,
much more than was loaned. People sometimes try to build relationships by
giving gifts. People sometimes are kind and want to help. There is nothing
wrong with this if what they want to do is something you want and if there is
no pressure for you to give more than you wish in return. If someone else
approaches you and tries to do you a favor, you are not obligated to accept it
nor are you obligated to give a favor back. Be aware that this could be a tactic
to get close to you. When someone you don't know says, "Here, let me help
you,' and tries to do something you did not ask for or don't really need, the
safest response is to say firmly, "No thanks!"
The unsolicited promise:
Promises are important. If you are the kind of person who
keeps commitments yourself, you are likely to be reassured when someone makes a
promise. However, before you trust your emotional or physical safety to
someone's promise, make sure that this person has a track record of keeping
promises. Watch out for comments like, "I promise I will never let you
down", "I promise I will never lie to you", "I promise I'll
leave just as soon as we get there", "I haven't been drinking, I
promise", or, "I'll drive carefully, I promise."
Discounting the word, "No":
As successful negotiators, and salespeople all
understand, NO can sometimes mean NOT YET. Asking for more information,
listening to concerns, or offering other choices can lead to a good outcome for
all concerned so it is important not to let NO mean more than it actually does.
As wise parents know, a child's NO should always be respected as a feeling but
not always accepted as a choice. At the same time, intrusive or dangerous
people will test the boundaries of potential victims by not listening to their
NO. If you are shy or uncertain in saying NO, even people with good intentions
might not hear you and might keep pushing your boundaries. If something is not
okay with you or is potentially unsafe, it is important to be strong and clear.
"I really do not want to!" or "This is really not okay with
me." Or "Go away! I don't want your help!" If you need help,
pick someone out yourself and tell that person firmly and loudly that you need
help instead of waiting for someone not of your choosing to offer.
Caring Questions:
People are hungry and craving to be listened to and cared
about. Questions can be useful tools in helping people to explore their
thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, sometimes someone will use a caring
question in the middle of a conflict or potentially dangerous situation as a
tactic. A question like, "Are you okay?" at an inappropriate time can
be used to distract you from realizing that something someone is doing is NOT
okay. Ask yourself, "What is the context for this question? What is this
person's purpose in asking?" Sometimes people are not safe. Sometimes
people are not who you thought they were. Sometimes people change because of
reasons that have nothing to do with you. Being aware of when boundary-lowering
tactics are being used can increase your personal safety. By not becoming
confused, distracted, or fooled by what someone else says or does, you can
figure out what your best choices are and pursue them.
Staying Safe on the streets of Life - PART 4 OF 4
An aware confident attitude
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